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2 Dec

why doesn 't he feel bad for hurting me

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I have been feeling uncomfortable with him being friends on FB with his ex-high school girlfriend, i have talked to him about it before,but he uses his past divorce from a controlling ex wife to hold as leverage against me and says he will no longer be told who he can talk to or not, and then proceeds to tell me I am acting like her... so I let it go for a couple years.. however a couple months before we got married, I found out that she messaged him and sent him a picture of something he gave her when they were dating.. knowing that we were engaged.. she crossed the line, it made me so angry, I confronted him and told him she was trying to get him to reminisce, who does that out of the blue after 35 plus years??? If you want to talk about something, he might say, "I wish you would leave me alone and give me space" so that you feel bad about yourself for apparently bothering him. #11 He gets defensive. My husband started cheating on me after 6 years of marriage with numerous women. My husband hasn't cheated but he lies about EVERYTHING. Thank you so much for such an excellently written article. It is after you have had this conversation that you can then make a decision about what you would like to do in future. I just felt it but I wanted to work it out so bad, I did love him. I was crying so hard at this point just finding out like this... he just wanted to sleep... so I am alone in my living room balling my eyes out, he doesn’t show he cares.. instead he’s annoyed. So having you get mad at him for something else could be a sign he is feeling guilty. We have a 5 y.o.. The first 11 I felt loved but after a financial crisis, my husband started verbally abusing me every night. We can’t life our lives always dwelling on the past or dredging up the pain from yesterday.’ It’s as if he thinks that I should just turn off my feelings or quiet my doubts because he’s tired of having to deal with my pain. Considering Moving in Together: Exactly How Big a Step Is It? It can be a hard situation to come out of with your relationship in tact because when someone shuts down all lines of communication between the two of you, it is hard to make any progress forward to a happier, more congenial space. my husband is an example of it, he swears he loves me though. This can be a particularly cruel occurrence to happen in your life and it can make you end up feeling like a very small and insignificant person, but have confidence in yourself and realise that if your husband is acting like that, it is often a sign of his own insecurities. i wish there were laws against men being bad husbands, they could be imprisoned and put in rehab for anger management for verbally abusing there wives, I've been married for 20 years. This article seems to be drastically one sided from a woman’s perspective that is not in a long term relationship. Originally from Russia. The reason being is that it means some difficult times are ahead for you personally and also for your relationship. He smokes which I'm against of. He always update on his other children bdays ( children from previous marriage)he even lways always asks me or Phone me up to remind me of his children bday and that I should greet them and give them gift. Of course I’m upset I’m not getting into this AGAIN. This time together can take the form of many different options, but you both need to be invested to making it as constructive and positive as possible. Escape from the pain of this reality is sometimes the only option I see. He may act as the “nice guy.” He may even refer to himself as such. For some, this can mean focussing on the children in your marriage or by zeroing in on your career or job to keep your mind off the fact that your husband doesn't seem to care about you any more. Whatever you try though, remember that right now your husband is continually hurting your feelings and that is not ok. A very frustrating and hurtful reason for your husband to keep hurting your feelings is that he is a selfish human being. Thank you. It IS possible to feel anger and hurt and jealousy around a man, as long as it is truly JUST feeling because you’re feeling, and not because you’re hurling your feelings at him to hurt him. I really feel nothing. He allows trials and suffering to occur in our lives for one purpose only—because it’s sometimes through the difficulties and the pain that He can take and shape us into the best we can be. I do deny him intimacy. Being yelled at may actually ease the guilt because he’ll feel like he was punished. He knows what he is doing is wrong, so instead of doing the right thing, he simply says something like this to make you feel like he adores you rather than that he is secretly hurting you. He ignores me. In that case, he will go out of his way to make you happy *more so than usual* until he feels enough time has passed that the pain has diminished. After months of telling me he loved me every single day, within 2 days of our break-up, he was using someone new and half his age and he really hurt her. I cannot live another ten years with such an abusive asshole. The truth is: you cannot make someone else feel bad. This doesn't mean that if he doesn't buy you a gift he hates you, it just means that if he simply does not even wish you a happy birthday verbally or say happy anniversary, that his behaviour does not come from a position of love. Wished death for me and it got a lot worse... but to everyone else he told, he was the victim and I am so crazy!! Why? Your email address will not be published. Maybe they will leave their phone out or leave their laptop unlocked. Later on, we got our first apartment together, but within one year after I found a new job in 2015, he starts with the damned abuse again. He thinks this will throw you off. My name is Katya. If you fear that this is the case with the both of you, a good idea and action can be to stop giving into his every demand to make him happy. It is now 5 months that he has never talked to me.we are just like enemy roommates. There are many signs he feels guilty for hurting you. And then there are some guys that feel guilty for hurting you so they come clean. This is probably not what you may want to hear, but if you feel like your husband doesn't care about you and you don't feel like you have any other resort, you can always leave him. He may have just cheated or lied, so he wants to make himself feel better by making you happy, even if just for a moment. Is he secretive and more private than usual? For the last two years it seems like he is constantly angry and super resentful towards me. I should feel bad for my wife having seen me and this other woman having sex, but I don't. Try To Increase The Amount Of Sex And Intimacy You Have. When I catch him he behaves like a victim of circumstances. I cant believe this, what is wrong with these men today. He may act as the “nice guy.” He may even refer to himself as such. When my Mother died I felt all alone because He was even cold. [Read: 14 ways to confront different types of liars in your life]. From the beginning of our relationship I’ve been completely open and honest. I have since discovered so many lies and secrets that I often feel completely devastated and helpless. I have been married for 11 years and for the past several years my husband seems to get upset for any little thing and gets mad and will give me the silent treatment for couple days and even for a week. I have never felt so lonely, hurt & depressed. I've put in so many hours into his homework. Now being so secretive with his phone... works later at work just because he doesn’t want to come home. I just don’t know if you can save a relationship like this. Why does it hurt so bad when he treated you so badly? First of all, people with BPD will generally hurt someone they have devalued. Someone please clarify what kind of person does that? If he gets away with what he is doing, his conscience will torture him unless he is punished for it. He acts as if everything he does is for you, and when something doesn’t work out he blames everyone else. It’s pretty clear he doesn’t care about you at all, so why would you expect him to look out for your heart? You will both need to take action to make things right again. Listen more than you speak. This is not just a police, a body language expert, or mom tactic for spotting a liar. I had to take of my food just 2 days after I got operated. It is like we are living in the same marriage!!! Talk to each other. The cops were called by my mother and he got arrested. When you decide to let love in again, hopefully it will be with the right person. So what can you do about a man or husband that is selfish and doesn't think about you as his first priority. But I did- yes I know I failed 3 times there- next thing you know i find out he is lying to her about being around me and then she saw he was texting me. Whilst it is possible, it relies on both people doing something about it and starting to talk to each other. When you feel like your husband doesn’t care about you, there are really only two options. And then he started physically abusing me, claiming that I started it. He did leave me with half of his 401K because he didn’t want to look bad in the end. What started as a fairytale story is now turning out into an every week argument or crazy fight. He fills me up with I want my family, I hate this.. He puts his own needs before me all of the time and I am sick of living this way. He doesn’t give a damn about how his actions affect you. Yes, he may just be a nice guy, but if this is out of the ordinary and you have been getting a weird vibe, don’t overlook it. My husband is soooo crazy i cant even describe how messed up he is. He wasn’t working. But if he can’t admit he is wrong or that he made a selfish mistake, he may be feeling guilty. Remember you will find someone who will never hurt you the way he did. People still don't take the route of divorce because they just don't want a failed marriage behind them or may even stay together for financial reasons or, as previously mentioned, as they have children together. I feel used. His profile picture is still of us and it still says he’s in a relationship with me. But he still lied to my face saying I was stupid for thinking that and mad I was accusing him... well comes to find out I did find out the truth.. the 2 days a week of effort and lies to be with this person it was a girl and he was cheating. Please help... Can't go on like this anymore.. My story is very different. i ve been nothing but faithful to him but he keeps telling everyone im lying, im cheating. While he is feeling guilty for lying about one thing, he will be so honest about everything else. He once told me that he can do without me. I just want to leave but I am hesitatnt because He financially providing me and our children but The feeling of our importance is not there. My husband say that he love me, but whenever they are an argument, he will say anything to hurt me and also making up fake story to tell his parents or his friends about me and my family. I'm stuck in this marriage because of our 3 kids and the youngest is 5. So now it’s my fault as he just doesn’t want to deal with it. I have enrolled to start taking college classes for the better of my future. But they will never see nor experience what I see. I love him so much but, I am beginning to think that his cruel words and statements to me is turning into hate for him . In doing so, you may actually be making things worse for you both. This is particularly true if you have kids and it is always you that ends up looking after them as he is always out. #8 He is overly honest. He doesn't even speak to me. If he feels guilty for hurting you, he likely won’t say sorry. He was there 2 times a week and they were older with teen kids. He may even throw it back at you. I broke down, I was hurt but I had to stop and heal. Well, it all has to do with self-esteem. I'm very lonely here and have no one around, so I'm constantly on eggshells if he is going to unpredictably be angry any given minute and I have no one to turn to. What can I … I am sick of feeling alone, discarded.. it finally gets to me and I’m crying... pouring my heart out telling him I feel so broken.. but he doesn’t care.. he said he didn’t and I was being so annoying and didn’t want to keep talking about it. You should always try to address the situation by talking to your husband in the first instance, but it may be that opening up the lines of communication don't make the slightest bit of difference. The rub is, I don't feel bad. We did a lot to gather, raised our baby, did things with him and I was happy. Love is not automatic so make no assumptions. He didnt do anything for my graduation, 30th bday or mothers day which all occured this month. The physical closeness helps increase the emotional closeness of two people in a relationship. Even though it may be tough at first, the increased time will make you both start to know what is going on in each other's lives again, and if you are starting a new hobby together, it gives you a new common ground that can be what a marriage with emotional abandonment within it can need. He doesn't care when he hurts me,now or than. Instead, he might actually be trying to earn your trust back. The same way to his grand children. I asked him that whether he want a divorce but he seems not wanting to divorce but also he seems to hate me... What to do when I have a 5 months baby? You just don’t know it yet. And facing it head on is a scary thing. 17. [Read: How to make someone feel guilty and understand the pain they caused you]. I miss you guys. I guess it's better if you ask out to that person whom you think you are hurting. He acts like his downfalls are due to his selflessness. What he didn’t tell is something that doesn’t upset me at all, my REACTION was I found out on my own. It is always the same cycle, abuse, apology, then more abuse, followed by more apology then denial, then abuse. Ask yourself honestly if your actions warranted or justified his snapping at you and listen carefully to what he says too. Well, figuring out if he feels guilty can clue you in on whether or not he has something to feel guilty about. When I mention this to him, to see the bright side of whatever stressors are going on, he gets angry. Follow us on Instagram Facebook Twitter Pinterest and we promise, we’ll be your lucky charm to a beautiful love life. Itsmadness . Do they call that being helpful? Any advice would be more than appreciated. I dont demand or take advantage . Btw, he has another much older child from his ex who he met before me. Is he showing signs he feels guilty for hurting you or not? I have had multiple cheating boyfriends feed me this line. This is an incredibly hard thing to think about doing and may not be at all what you imagine could help, but increasing the amount of sex and intimacy you and your husband have, can help you both fall in love again. I wanted to party and ended up cheating on him, but he forgave me and things were pretty great for the first three years. Loving someone who really doesn’t love you.. doesn’t care to mend the fight we had. When something similar happens in your marriage, you have to find other ways to find happiness in your life so that you do not slip into a depressed state as a result of your relationship not living up to what you thought it would be. Out issues weak woman and I ’ m upset I ’ ve been with my son as well as for... 'D lose myself in my PC up until I left him affect me return until 3 or 4 in marriage... Impression he ’ s important you Read the next few sentences carefully we dive this! Since that at hand and he couldn ’ t care... he was going out and I will return. 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